It's January in Chicago, so that means - much to my chagrin - that I'm spending a lot of time indoors. And with that, my Netflix consumption is on the rise. Wish I could say that there was some Netflix and chill happening, but unfortunately the only "chill" right now is the wintry weather. At any rate, it's a perfect time to catch up on all the TV recos folks have given me the past few months! But I'd just be a couch potato if I didn't extract a few things from this, right?
Love on the Spectrum
What a heartwarming show, which if you're not familiar, is a documentary series following young adults on the autism spectrum as they explore the unpredictable world of love, dating and relationships. Not having had much exposure to autism outside of this program, I feel like I learned a lot about it. Namely, that it manifests really differently in each person. The series also made a point to dispel the notion I think many of us have, that disability has to "look" a certain way, as well as shed light on a somewhat misunderstood condition.
But mostly I appreciated that the individuals the show follows want to find love, just like the rest of us. I noticed while watching, amongst several of those profiled, dating behaviors that in my experience I have not seen frequently. But that I wish I did, because I think they would bring some humanity to the whole process. Here they are:
Asking the other person, point blank, how they feel about you. There was a directness and honesty displayed by individuals on the show that was refreshing. If we (society) avoided this question a lot less, how much time and energy would be saved? Sure, it's bold, and the answer might not be what you want to hear...but it feels like a lot more authentic way to date.
Asking the other person permission before a hug/kiss/etc. This is just good manners. But it doesn't happen very frequently, in my experience, and if it does it's typically on one of the first few dates. Seeing this played out on the show among other people reminded me of the importance of it, and not just at the "beginning." If we kept this in mind when moving further into the relationship, I think it would open up grounds for communication about comfort and preferences. Both very good things when embarking upon a relationship, but which often go unsaid.
Activity dates. For whatever reason, and maybe it's as simple as that this is a television show, the dates were a lot more 'active' and creative than what I am used to doing. Grabbing a drink seems to be the go-to suggestion, at least here in Chicago. In Love on the Spectrum, on the other hand, dates included visiting a Buddhist temple, walking around the zoo, and picking sunflowers. Not only can these settings reduce discomfort or anxiety, but I think they ultimately help you uncover whether there are shared interests. I just dated someone for a few weeks, before eventually realizing that we didn't have a lot of common ground. If we had gone and done things that energized each of us, earlier on, I wonder if this would've saved some time and disappointment in the end.
Daniel Sloss, 'Jigsaw'
Let me start by saying, this program is not for the faint of heart. It's a stand-up comedy special, and he does not hold much back. In the first 30 minutes, I imagine you are likely to be offended by at least one thing he says, if not more (particularly if you are vegan, consider yourself forewarned). But if you can get past that to the latter half of the show, there is some *really* good stuff.
Daniel Sloss begins this surprisingly deep bit by sharing a childhood memory of asking his dad essentially what is the meaning of life? His dad explains it, so that his seven-year-old brain can understand, as a jigsaw puzzle; though you've lost the box, so you don't know exactly what image you're creating. In this way, he tells Daniel, it's best to start off with the four corners, and work inward from the outside. The four corners of life are things like your family, friends, hobbies and interests, and job.
Of course, young Daniel then asks, "so then what happens when you've got those?" You work towards the middle, which his dad describes as the partner piece. The person who comes along and makes your life (puzzle) whole, "just like your mother did for me." Sloss interpreted this as if you are not with someone, you are broken. And explains that society only reinforces this message throughout all of our formative years. Just look at every Disney movie ever made; every prince has a princess, every queen a king. Similarly, as a kid, you were told that divorce is a taboo topic, no matter how common it actually is. The message that many of us internalized then, is that we need to finish that puzzle - even if it means jamming the wrong piece (person) into it.
This really resonated with me. I've written here previously about sticking with people for far too long, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Why? Because I was 29, and that felt like a good age to be married. Different analogy, same concept. We'd much rather have someone than no one, because this is what we have been taught. As Sloss says, “my generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives, that they’re willing to give up the one they’re currently living. We have romanticized the idea of romance and it’s cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with.”
He closes the bit by acknowledging his dad's puzzle reference was a good one, however, he got one small part wrong. Instead of looking at the center as a partner piece, it should be a happiness piece(s), filled with all the people and things that bring you joy. For his dad, his happiness piece just so happened to be his partner piece, but this may not be the case for everyone.
Thankfully, this does end on a happy note. He does not deny that true love and happiness can coexist. And if this is the case for you, excellent! But for many, we haven't taken the time to be alone. He explains:
"You have to learn to love yourself before you can allow someone else to do it as well... There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who you are if you don’t know who you are?... If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%... Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. That’s something every one of us deserves..."
As someone who has been regularly single, and often the only one in a particular group of people without a partner, watching this episode brought me immense relief. There can be a lot of shame about this status, but I feel like I can now change the narrative into something much more positive. I'm still working on my puzzle. A piece flies out the window here. Some water spills on the pieces there, causing them to peel. Cat knocks a segment of the puzzle down to the floor. [All things that have happened to me when doing a jigsaw puzzle, by the way.] Though, slowly but surely, making progress.
Emily in Paris
Do NOT monogram your cookware. Or don't get involved in complicated love triangles, one of the two.
What shows have made an impact on you (romance or otherwise)? I'd love to know in the comments. We still have another four months of winter, after all...
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