This weekend was an amalgam of happiness and also one of the toughest I have experienced lately. I know that sounds weird, but let me explain. The first part comes from having two friends from college in town to visit. We walked, we talked, we ate out at fancy places and holes in the wall, explored some neighborhood gems, caught a scrappy but amazing blues band, and delighted in the company of one another in the carefree way that can only happen when you have known each other so long and so well. True friendship is going on a run with your girl who is marathon training, even when it's about 20 degrees outside! It is not lost on me the effort that it takes for someone - particularly with kid(s) - to come and see you for a few days, and I loved being able to share the city I call home now.
The tough piece was a situationship ending...followed by a bad bout of food poisoning approximately twelve hours later.
I know. Talk about being hit when you're down! It's better for all if I don't go into the food poisoning part. Let's just say that I haven't eaten in a day and a half and therefore have no control of the words I am typing. Godspeed.
The situationship was with a guy I had been seeing for about two months. My feelings for him seemingly came out of nowhere. One minute you're on a first date, thinking "well this isn't a disaster, I'd like to maybe go out again," and the next you find yourself eagerly awaiting the moment you'll hear from them that day, or being asked to hang out...this person slowly weaving into the fabric of your daily life. Maybe because I'm so disillusioned by the apps and dating today generally, and it's been a long time since I've met someone like that, I wasn't expecting anything. But the conversations, and comfort, and chemistry, definitely grew. So much chemistry.
Between the holidays, travel plans, and some difficult family news he had received, we had taken things pretty slow. I actually didn't entirely mind this, because I've had situations in which I've dove in head first, and you don't always have your head on straight (pun intended). We had no more than one date a week, or even beyond that, in some cases. Sometimes it was planned and sometimes it wasn't. I tried to put aside any anxiety from my past and be patient and flexible, given what he was dealing with on his side. At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, we made each other playlists and planned out a Scrabble game night and even talked on the phone. I loved it. Finally, last week, he invited me over.
To me anyway, this is a big step, and I was excited by what it could represent. So what happened next was the furthest possibility from my mind.
No text the next day. Or the day following. Or the day after that. What. Is. Going. On??? After agonizing pretty much the whole time but also trying to be a happy and upbeat tour guide for my friends, I finally reached out to see if everything was okay. As you know (and I knew), it wasn't. I received a message to the effect of "You are wonderful, but I'm not sure I have the capacity to truly date right now." Does he have justification for this, given the family situation? Yes, absolutely. Am I still totally caught off guard and confused and upset? Yes, absolutely.
You know the saying right person, right place, right time? I REALLY want to believe this is a case of the latter, that what he is telling me is true. But if this is so, then why not give the other person a call, shore up their questions and doubts? Why not talk about it, see if there's a way to make it work, albeit maybe unconventionally? And why close the door indefinitely? A good connection is so hard to find, especially at our age.
My real feeling is that this is just a 'polite' way of letting someone know you're not that into them. I've heard this line once before, and I'm fearful that as a society, we'd much rather tell a white lie than face the uncomfortable and hard, but necessary, conversations. What's worse is that in both these situations, I had to prompt the response. What would've happened if I didn't? Would they have just disappeared? At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I think people deserve more than that.
I'm mad that this clouded the weekend, that I ended up crying into my friend's shoulder instead of laughing until we cried. But more than that I'm scared. I've experienced enough times of things going well with someone, they're saying that they're interested, they're showing you all the signs that they're interested, and poof! They're gone. It's like the boy who cried wolf, I just don't know that I'll believe someone can or does want in until it's too late.
I am trying to be patient. I am trying to put in the work. But I am tired.
When will it be my turn?
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