Just when I thought I'd experienced the wackiest & wildest of dating, enter Jim (name, as always, is changed for privacy).
He and I met on Bumble and had a first date last week, which objectively went pretty well. Conversation was easy, there were some jokes, he asked for my number >> up until then, we had been messaging in the app.
Jim called a few days after the date and asked me to hang out the following week. Well, I missed the call, but this is what he said in the voicemail anyway. I was not entirely sure about the connection but I had a nice enough time that I felt hopeful about seeing each other again. Side note: I'm really trying to be more open-minded about first dates these days and give some benefit of the doubt given it's hard for a person to be at their absolute best in those circumstances. And a phone call! "Wow," I thought to myself, "he must be old-fashioned. I like it."
He texted me a bit throughout the week, and thankfully it was the right balance of maintaining connection without entering 'How was your day?' territory. Although I did find it odd that he didn't mention plans or a time/place for the date on Thursday. This morning, I did a quick check-in. "Hey! Did you still want to get together?" It went like this:
"Mornin! I do. Are you free at all today for me to call?" (Him)
"Sure! But I'm wondering if you can just give me an idea of what time you're thinking so I can plan some things for the day?" (Me)
"Great question. Hang on a min." (Him)
He then proceeded to leave me two voice memos. They disappeared, so I'm going to paraphrase them:
"So I'm more of a phone call person as you can probably tell, especially when it comes to making plans. And sorry I haven't reached out about plans until now by the way, had a friend in town and did some SXSW, you know. Given you're not drinking right now [marathon prep], I thought it might not be the most exciting for you to go to a bar and have a mocktail. So I thought we could figure out an activity that we both might want to do and..."
Pretty thoughtful, right?
This is where the story takes a DEEP turn. Part two of voice memo:
"...and I'm not sure if you felt this on our first date, but it seemed like we had nothing in common. But I did have a great time with you, and you're intelligent/driven/beautiful [his words exactly], so I thought it'd probably be good to get to know you better. Anyway, let me know if you felt the same, and like, if you want to go out again?"
I thought it was clear I wanted to go out again, given I agreed to a second date and we've been chatting since then, but okay?
Now while first dates can be somewhat cursory (how well do you really get to know someone in an hour or so?), I did not get the sense that we were polar opposites. In fact, we talked about being active people who sought an outdoor-friendly lifestyle, hence both moving to Austin purposefully. We had similar family relationships and dynamics as well. Put another way, while the level of conversation was fairly surface, nothing was said that I felt was in opposition to who I am as a person. The vibe was good, pleasant.
At this point, Jim definitely got his call back.
"Probably super odd to receive those voice messages, huh? Ha ha" (Him)
"Yeah, you know I was looking forward to seeing you again, but after hearing your messages, I'm not so certain. It feels like you're having to convince yourself (or want me to convince you) to see me again, which I am not really into."
Him: "Well no that's not what I meant, but how did you feel after last week, did you think we had stuff in common?"
I repeated to him what I wrote above. That while yeah, further exploration was definitely needed, it seemed like there was enough commonality to warrant another conversation.
Me: "But I'm curious, can you tell me what made you felt this way?"
"Oh I can't really think of anything specific. [SILENCE] Well, there was the cat thing, and running vs biking...you know..." (Him)
By 'cat thing,' I mentioned that I foster and am looking forward to getting back into it as I've recently applied to a new rescue. But we also talked about dogs too, and in fact, I was dog-sitting at the time we went on the date (we picked a spot close to where I was sitting so I wouldn't have to be gone quite as long). All that to say, I think it was fairly clear that I was not a dog-hater. We had a similar chat to what has come up on a lot of dates: as someone who doesn't work fully remote, lives alone in a 700-square foot apartment, and enjoys traveling frequently, I know in my heart it is probably not the right time or best situation for one right now. It's why I've hesitated on adopting a cat, even.
On the other note, when talking about what we like to do for fitness, he shared that he primarily bikes and I shared that I primarily run, among other things. We discussed some trails in the area, and that was that. I don't really care what anyone likes to do so long as health is a priority for them! I've taken every class known to man, from belly dancing to trampoline to archery, so it's safe to say I have an open mind about activities.
So, Jim:
I'm sorry I love cats, and like to help those who are homeless (and usually sick or injured) find a new life. And I'm also sorry that I enjoy both running and biking.
The call continues:
"I see Jim, well if you're looking for someone with the exact same interests I think it may be pretty difficult to date. I think it's more about similar values and mindset." (Me)
"Yeah, I am thinking we probably shouldn't move forward with tonight..." (Him)
"I agree. I was put off by the lack of planning and initiative, and now, I feel like you've gaslighted me. 'Hi, you're great, but I'm not really sure if I want to go out...' This whole thing has put me in kind of an awkward position and I'd encourage you to be more mindful in future situations." (Me)
"Sorry, that's not what I meant...yeah, okay, bye." (Him)
What was that???
Did he just call ME to have ME help him figure out if he wants to go on a date with ME? There is lazy and then there is this. I'm really not upset about the date being cancelled. Plenty of other things I could be doing tonight! Just truly baffled by this interaction & how quickly it crashed and burned & what he hoped the outcome would be.
How boring life would be to date a carbon copy of yourself.
Have you ever experienced something like this? How do you view having different hobbies and what constitutes a deal breaker? Would love to discuss further with those in the trenches!
In the meantime, here's some food for thought:
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