The other week, I left an unhealthy relationship. But this is not a dating post. No, this toxic relationship was with my job. That I just took three months ago...
...Unfortunately, that three is not a typo. I moved on from a position where I generally felt respected, supported, and able to effect change. Instead of the new challenge I was hoping for, I somehow found myself on the chopping block on a weekly if not daily basis, feeling alone and without resources, and unable to effectively perform my job duties due to constant fear of misstepping (more on this below).
My jaw dropped in seeing the way my coworkers were spoken to via email. And then, as I predicted, I was eventually the recipient. Often, these messages would come at night or on weekends, which of course meant that you could never really "turn off."
I couldn’t take initiative on almost anything without a certain approval, and yet, this authority was hardly available. When I did speak to her, these encounters left me at best, confused and at worst, dejected.
My ideas were put down. My writing was torn up. My confidence shattered.
I worked regularly 10-12 hours per day – and still couldn’t make a dent in my to-do list.
Seemingly, I continuously did the wrong thing. Don’t talk to her. Don’t send that email. Don’t promise anything. Don’t ask me that question. Don’t include too much detail.
If not ‘don'ts’ then it was ‘whys?’ Why did you have this meeting? Why did you wait this long to reach out? Why did you send 10 ideas instead of three? Why didn’t you know this?
A new dread like none I’ve experienced washed over me on Sundays. Not just Sunday Scaries though - no, this was Sunday Scaries on Steroids.
If this sounds impossible, let me tell you, it was. To make matters worse, my supervisor had a different background and function altogether, so there was a general lack of understanding and appreciation for my process, workload, and questions. Once, about a month in, she cut me off in the middle of explaining an issue I was having, as if my concerns were not also hers. Another time, I attempted to tell her I thought my plate might be too full and was brushed off then too.
Micromanagement reached new heights in this unit. One particular event invitation routed through 10 sets of hands before I could send it. I understand the need for additional eyes on important communications, but there comes a point when bureaucracy will swallow progress whole, and I think we had surpassed it. I also once received a text, during a Zoom meeting, asking if I was taking prolific notes. Apparently, I held about as much trust as a middle schooler.
Things were bad almost right away though I had hope that if I just got over the learning curve, or gave it some time, it’d be okay. Heck, part of me even wondered if I was being tested, just until they got a sense of my dedication. But I hated the feeling of walking on eggshells, and my heart began racing at night, braced for what was to come the following day. When I wound up in tears with a friend over the situation, and again with that same friend just one month later, I knew I had to go.
Still, it took time to actually convince myself I could. You see, this is not me. I’m the give-it-your-all, make-it-work, look-on-the-bright side kind of gal – as you’ve seen from my writing on various former relationships (ha). Resigning would mean no income and an uncertain future, and while this is tough for anyone, I believe it's that much harder to swallow for a single person. There is no one there to catch your fall or fill in the gaps. My parents are around, sure, but they’ve had their own financial difficulties and I can’t really rely on them.
I have a hunch that many of us are in these relationships – whether at work or at home. I know I am lucky to have the means to choose the route I did and understand that this may not be possible for everyone. But I share this deeply upsetting blip in my career trajectory because if just one person reads this and finds the courage to walk away, from whatever it is, I’ll be moved. And if not, well hopefully I can at the least impart some words of wisdom by way of the lessons learned from this experience:
Trust any red flags you may discover in the interview (or early stages of a relationship). Maybe they’re nothing, but at the least, it’s worth asking additional questions.
On that note, if you don't feel like you can ask questions, proceed with caution.
If you can’t get an accurate read on your role description (or what someone is looking for in a partner), chances are, they don’t know. And this does not equate to success for you down the line.
People show you who they are, in big and small ways, all the time. Believe them.
At the end of the day, do you feel good about yourself or bad? It sounds simple, but this really helped me determine what I needed to do.
Battle scars are just that, not badges of honor. I don’t think we should simply endure; we should aim to thrive. In that spirit, and with a huge weight lifted, I am moving forward. Am I frightened? Yes. Do I know what's happening next? Not a chance. But my smile has returned. I know my worth, and to those who can't see it:
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