I don't know what's in the water, but I've run into a number of doozies on Hinge lately, all of which have happened within the last month. I wish I was reaching for the sake of writing, but the truth is, I don't have to. Maybe it's Chicago's curious way of easing me out? "See Julie, you're not missing anything here!" [more on this in an upcoming post!]
You've likely seen the below matrix within the last couple months, categorizing anything from your favorite movie and TV characters to fruit. I was introduced to it by a friend at a PowerPoint Party I attended recently and let me say she absolutely crushed it. Thankfully my pals are much cooler than I am and introduce me to things like PowerPoint Parties and this post's namesake.
If you're like me though, you had no idea of its origins until now! In doing some research for my post, I came to find that we have Dungeons and Dragons to thank for this gift of comparison. From New York Public Radio:
"When you create a character in D&D, you decide where to put that character on a moral axis. Are you good, evil, or morally neutral? Simple enough. But then you have to decide where your character fits on a law-abiding axis. Do you always obey the law? Are you neutral about the law? Or are you chaotic — do you believe laws are meant to be broken?"
Back to the men. There just so happened to be nine digital suitors (well technically eight, but one was a repeat offender). I've given each of them a nickname for ease of categorization, and a brief description, below:
(not) A booty call
[10pm on a Friday night, with minimal prior conversation]
Him: "Hey what are you up to?"
Me: "Just got back from an improv show, what about you?"
Him: "Ah nice, whatcha doing now?"
Me: "Hey [name], I'm just going to be up front that I don't do booty calls."
Him: "This is not a booty call. I would not sleep with you if you came over!"
Me: "I wouldn't come over. Because we have not had a proper first date, or second date, or third date for that matter."
Him: "It's just the week is so busy, so I wanted to take advantage of the free time. And I don't drink, so just thought you might want to hang out."
Me: "I understand that. But what about coffee or a walk instead?"
Him: "I guess. Want to video chat?"
Me: "I'm actually going to bed. Goodnight!"
[crickets, followed by an unmatch]
Why are you single?
I don't love this question, even if it's meant in a cutesy, pickup-line sort of way. And with this guy, it was not meant in a cutesy, pickup-line sort of way. He genuinely wanted an answer. I did so, somewhat begrudgingly, and then promptly hid the conversation.
Would it be appropriate to ask a couple, "why are you in a relationship?" No. And we need to stop looking at singledom as a disease or some holdover until we achieve the ultimate status.
I don't want to answer, "how was your weekend?" a million times either, but there's a lot of middle ground between that and this.
Let's connect
Him: "Do you have IG?"
Me: "I do, but I prefer not to get into all that in advance. My pics are current :)"
Him: "I think your photos are perfect! I just wanted to confirm I wasn't talking with some old man haha."
Me: "Last time I checked I was a young lady lol"
[crickets]
Chicago (in spirit)
This dude set his location to Chicago well over a month before actually moving back here. No. Not interested in a pen pal; see below.
Ultimate pen pal
Four questions. Eight back and forths. For the love of God, that is enough!!! I matched with this guy on February 27, and as of April 8 he still hadn't asked me out yet, despite a good rapport and things in common!
No phone calls, please
Him: "Speaking of drinks, would you want to grab one next week?"
Me: "That'd be great! Would you be open to a phone call first?"
Him: "Interesting request lol. But how about we just do a zoom and drinks then? We can do it 2020 style."
Me: "Why is that interesting? I don't know about you, but I've been on a lot of so so dates. I'm always hopeful, but this way, no one's time is wasted if there isn't a connection."
Me: "I think it's pretty smart. But if you're really not up for it, no worries!"
[crickets]
Hi I'm back
It goes like this...
Nice conversation > let's get together > exchange numbers > falls off the face of the earth > (two months later) "Hey! How have you been?"
The chatterbox
Him: "Hey, how's it going?"
Me: "Good :) Anything you're looking forward to this weekend?"
Him: "I'm not sure yet, what about you?"
This is not a hard question. I don't care if you have no plans whatsoever and say taking a walk outside or the latte I'm going to get tomorrow or reading a book, just give me something, anything to work with...
GOODBYE.
Plan canceller (x 2)
The first time, due to a Cubs game he forgot about, even though he scheduled the date with me literally weeks prior (this is the out-of-state guy). The second time, because his dog was sick. Before you tell me I'm a terrible person, let me just say it wasn't urgent sick or a cancer diagnosis or anything like that. It was the kind of sick that can add stress, yes, but in which there's nothing you can do about in that moment. Things come up, of course, but it really shouldn't be this hard to go out with someone.
Where would YOU place them in the matrix? See below for my assessment.
Stay vigilant out there, ladies!
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