Can you break up with someone if you weren't technically dating? Let me back up. Mark* has been in my life for a little over two years now. I'm going to define our relationship in phases, below, for ease of telling this story:
The "I really like you" phase: we became acquainted through work at a large organization, he sent me a LinkedIn message (the way every girl dreams of being asked out, right?), and somewhere between hang-outs one and three I confirmed we were going on dates. And that I actually liked him a lot. Apparently he felt the same; the title of this phase is a text he sent me in the early stages. I met some friends of his, he met some friends of mine. We went dancing and carved pumpkins, blah blah. All was well and good, until it wasn't, about two months later.
The "I'm not over my last relationship" phase: everyone knows the warning signs. Less frequent hanging out. Shorter responses. That icky feeling in the pit of your stomach. Not one to beat around the bush, I called Mark on it, and we met at a bar to talk things over. It was one of the more frustrating conversations of my life. He couldn't explain why he didn't want to continue seeing each other, nor what he was looking for, nor what his last relationship exactly meant to him. I know what you're thinking:
The "reappearing act" phase: about five months went by with no communication. I was really disappointed, but tried getting myself back in the game. What else can you do? One spring day, I received a text from Mark out of nowhere. Could this be it? Could he have realized his mistake and be reaching out to apologize and ask to take me back? Not even close. I posted a photo, and he thought I looked good, so he messaged me. It's as simple as that folks. And this is where I really start to go wrong...
The "dance" phase: our second first date was great (May), and we started hanging out again here and there. It was never as frequent as the first go around, and always with some basic level of disappointment. There were rescheduled plans, periods of little communication, and just generally not feeling like a priority. I tried to cut things off, I think more than once, but we ultimately 'did the dance' until he accepted a job in Portland (July).
The "long distance" phase: I'll pare this phase down to the basics - Mark telling me to come visit, me trying to plan said visit, and it never coming to fruition. This happened over and over again in various forms until one day, he committed to a weekend. Had my plane ticket booked and everything! That brings us to the last phase...
The "pandemic" phase: that visit was scheduled for March of this year. Well, you can guess how that went. Such a bummer to have to cancel, after everything it took to get there. As the media crushed us with news of the virus and the world turned upside down, Mark and I's conversations got more frequent. We had multi-hour Face Times every week or every other week. I'd say this period brought us closer, and eventually it brought him closer in proximity as well, staying with family in Michigan. We decided to give the weekend visit another shot, and rented an AirB&B.
Which brings me to this post, which I suppose, is the "final" phase. For all of the reasons detailed above, I wasn't really expecting anything out of the weekend with Mark. I'm wiser than I was during the reappearing act. Plus, Covid-times have made for a rather lonely life, so why not have a fun time with company I enjoy for a few days? [At this point, I fully realize I am the girl in the horror movie walking straight into the room where the killer is hiding.]
Add a few cocktails to the mix and the 'what are we/what are you looking for' conversation I was hoping to avoid inevitably came up, and let me tell you, it didn't end well for me. Mark said that he's almost 40, set in his ways, and basically, perfectly happy living alone and getting love from his family. I was crushed, I'd always thought timing just wasn't in our favor. Coming off the last relationship, moving across the country, etc. etc. But if a guy isn't saying YES! to you, he's telling you no, right? And while I got my final answer, which felt like new information to me, it was really just another no in a long line of nopes.
I'm going to answer my question from the top and say yes. First, I'm as hurt and sad as if Mark and I had a more consistent relationship. Second, I think I need this. Please give me the break-up, because if I can't have it, then Mark and I go back into gray area. And if you're in gray area, then what's the harm in responding to a text? Reaching out when you're feeling down? I am writing this post, and committing to the end, so that Mark and I can once and for all put down our dance cards.
*Name changed for privacy
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