Another post comin' at ya; I've been on a lot of planes the past 1.5 months. Great for writing, not great for the wallet! But I can't complain, I've had two lovely trips back to Chicago for the holidays. And that's actually a perfect segue to my story.
In dating, there are three amazing words – as well as three dreaded ones. Know where I’m going with the latter?
Long distance relationship.
I got out of one a few months ago...
...that I didn’t intend to get in. In fact, I hardly knew the guy.
Wait, that sounds bad. It’s not like that, let me explain!
As many of you know, I talked about moving for a while. By the time the idea really and truly solidified in my mind, the pandemic struck. It didn’t feel like a great time to sell my event planning skills (lol), so I stuck around a little while longer. I did make an attempt at a new job that would’ve allowed me to work out of any of its U.S. offices, but sadly, that didn’t work out. Hopes and dreams dashed again!
But then, after a few months of navigating what the heck I was going to do next, the *right* opportunity came along. The funny thing about packing up and moving cross country is you don’t really know it’s happening until you’re halfway there. I kid, but what I mean is – alongside all the hope about what may be next, your regular routine prevails – and for me, this included dating apps.
A nice guy and I met in early April and managed to squeeze in three dates before I left the country for an international trip. When I got back in town, we had a whirlwind two days together before I drove down to Austin. Granted these are unusual circumstances, but there are some things to be gleaned from the experience. And I think sharing is caring, because it’s possible a lot of us could find ourselves in this situation, particularly with the rise in hybrid and remote work.
Of course, we had the talk about whether we wanted to move forward with whatever it is we had going [both yes], but we didn’t set expectations for “check-ins” about the relationship. Sometimes these came up, frustratingly always initiated by me (and usually bumbling and disorganized). Often, I found the answer upsetting or surprising given where I believed we were at. I also expected the answer to change over time, and it didn’t, necessarily. >>>> You cannot assume you are on the same page. And the reason this is important, especially for the person who has moved, is that there is a whole new life for you to discover in your new place. And as long as you’re seeing someone elsewhere, you have one foot in that door. You want to make sure the time and effort and expense of seeing this person is worthwhile and trending towards the outcome you desire!
If you can, before the distance occurs, try to see the person in various settings that are important to you – for instance, with your friends and family. Our timeframe was super condensed, so this wasn’t easy, but doing so would have saved me a lot of surprise and heartache. Some things that really didn’t jive with my values became apparent way later in the game, because I hadn’t been able to check out this stuff.
Financials have to be discussed, however uncomfortable. You don’t need to go sharing your salaries, but often times, there will be an imbalance in what two people make. It might not be feasible for one person to visit as often as the other. Is your partner okay with taking a larger lift? This applies to work schedules too. Generally, one person will have more flexibility than the other. And with greater flexibility or larger salary, the sacrifice should be made, if it’s important to both of you and you’ve worked through the above.
I think the ideal time in between visits is somewhere between 4-6 weeks. This may differ for each couple, but shorter than this and you may set yourself up for unrealistic expectations and any longer, and you risk the possibility of disconnecting. In my situation, we went for nearly 10 weeks without seeing each other. Granted, this was towards the end when things were unraveling a bit, but I don’t think this helped. I do wonder what, if anything, would’ve changed without such a long gap.
Date nights – such as cooking dinner or watching a movie together – are wonderful and important in between. Try to do more than just phone calls or FaceTime.
But with phone calls and FaceTimes, picking a set day or time of the week really helped. Otherwise, there's too much that will come up, get in the way, or risk making the other person feel unvalued.
If money isn’t really tight, visiting a destination in between you two can be a fun way to switch things up. It also prevents you from being pulled in too many directions with needing to see “everyone” in either one of your respective homes where you have friends/family.
It ultimately didn’t work out, but truthfully, it wasn’t too bad while we were in it. The feeling of picking up your person from the airport for a weekend just for you two is definitely up there! You get to know each other perhaps more intimately from an earlier stage. And it’s hot & heavy…enough said.
I don’t discourage it at all, but you have to be able to communicate with this person. This goes for any relationship, but it’s even more critical here. Like all matters of the heart, if the will is there, there’s a way. And if you choose to go this route, you will soon find out if this is case.
TY for reading 😘
Beautifully said! 😘