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Writer's pictureJulie Kay

Bumble(f***)

Updated: Dec 18, 2020

Bumble: A location-based social and dating application that facilitates communication between interested users.

Bumblefuck: An isolated or backward location; the middle of nowhere.


Interesting parallel, am I right? Online dating. Some love it, most hate it, and a few have no idea how it works -- you, my friends, are the unicorns who met your significant other IRL. Yet for many of us, swiping left or right is as much a part of our everyday lives as listening to music or going to the bathroom. [Tell me you haven't sometimes done these all at once!]


You name the app, I've downloaded and used it. Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, The League, etc. At this point, the only Everything Bagel I have is The Loosey from time to time (highly recommend, by the way). After spending many a sleepless night, grocery store line, or traffic light perusing all the Mikes/Daves/Joes to be found in the city of Chicago, I have come to the conclusion that most eligible (?) bachelors can fit into one of the following archetypes. After all, any good story has them.


1. "The Provider": Can be seen holding bass/trout/insert fish here. Either you all are very lucky with a line, or you're stopping at Mariano's.

2. "The Provider Pt. II": Same as the above, but with babie(s). But totes obvi not your baby. It's your sister's.

3. "The World Traveler": *Almost* hooks you because 'how cool, he's been to Australia!' And Europe. Oh, and there's the Great Wall. And some cool-looking mountain range. #lessismore

4. "Mr. Laid Back": How do you know? Because he's looking for 'someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.' AKA, IMHO, someone who won't hold you to your bullshit.

5. "The Dog Lover": Or more specifically, the cat hater. I understand if you're not an animal person generally-speaking (a real #boybye for me anyway), but to loathe a particular group of animals? Please explain this to me.

6. "I Don't Have Pictures So How About This Bathroom Selfie": Enough said.

7. "The Helper": Don't get me wrong a bit of chivalry is nice every now and then, but I don't need you to kill my spiders or get things from my tall cabinets because that's what hairspray (er, Raid) and a step ladder is for.


For an interesting read, check out the traditional literary archetypes HERE.


What themes have struck you? What do you love or hate to see? Comment below!



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